Sometimes I feel like being a dating consultant is kinda like being a Medium. I can’t fight the evil spirits for you. I just do my best to warn you and sometimes I have to watch you get eaten for lunch. So, welcome to my instructional guide for how to recognize when the person you’re dating is literally a demon.

Me: I know you like her, but she sounds kinda like a demon.

Client: What? No, you just don’t understand her like I do.

Me: You’ve caught her standing over your bed at night, floating a few feet above the ground, sucking out your soul.

Client: She was just having a really rough day.

Me: and you said you’re pretty sure she ate your dog

Client: I know it sounds bad but it could have been a misunderstanding

Me: I’m not gonna lie, pretty sure you’ve got yourself a Succubus. Pour a circle of salt around yourself and I’ll get some silver.

Client: Yeah, but how do I get her to like me?

How to Spot a Demon

I spend most of my workdays teaching clients how to appeal to their intended audience. Sometimes I’m forced into the position of trying to talk a client out of putting themselves in harm's way. It’s difficult because my clients hire me to teach them how to gain their crush's affection- not to lecture them about the dangers of narcissists. So instead, I’m going to make a list of red flags right here. If you can check off one or more of these red flags you might be trying to fuck a demon.

❑ They’re only interested when you feed them. Demons are hungry little shits and sometimes they’ll give you just enough attention for you to take them out to eat again. Beware of the person who only wants to go out to dinner and never pays their way.

❑ They come and go as they please. Someone who likes you will like you all the time- not just when they’re bored. If they leave you on read for a week and then text you all day for 2 days, just to disappear again for another two weeks- you might be dealing with a fallen angel. Don’t get me wrong, people get busy. However, if they’re really into you they will make time for you.

❑ They’re kinda a dick. Do they make jokes at your expense? Do they gossip about you? Try to humiliate you? Say things to or about you that are just kinda shitty? Teasing and playful banter are great, but if they're laughing at you instead of with you, there’s a problem.

❑ You’re paying for their attention. Do they only invite you to go to the nail salon with them? Shopping with them? Do they show you this super cute thing on Amazon that they really really want but just can’t afford right now? Dude, you’re pursuing a spawn of hell.

❑ They are distinctly disinterested in learning about you. Does most of the conversation focus on them? Have they ever asked you a meaningful question about yourself? Do they even remember your last name? I’m so sorry friend, but they aren’t interested in you… they’re using you as a constant source of attention and validation, and you’re so much better than that.

Exorcism 101

Have you or someone you know been ensnared by a hell creature? It’s ok, it happens to the best of us. Fortunately, there are three simple steps you can take to cleanse yourself of it.

1. Walk Away. I repeat, Walk.The.Fuck.Away. I don’t care how attractive they are or how good they smell, it absolutely isn’t worth your dignity. If they had any respect for you they wouldn’t be treating you so poorly. Fuck them, you don’t need someone else to like you in order to like yourself. They’re almost certainly selfish in bed anyways.

2. Be prepared for them to try to weasel their way back in. You were their source of attention/affection/money/whatever else they were taking from you. Next time they get hungry for attention they may try to contact you. Please don’t mistake this as true affection. They don’t want to be with you, they are feeding on you. Don’t let them! Block them on everything, and move on.

3. Create good boundaries, and maintain them. Don’t allow people to take advantage of you with the hope that they might love you for it. That isn’t how love works, it isn’t how sex works, and it isn’t how relationships work.

Conclusion

In all seriousness, respect yourself and expect others to treat you with respect. Just because this particular person isn’t able to recognize how awesome you are doesn’t mean the next one won’t. Plus, think about how awkward family gatherings would be when you’re seated right next to their dad... you know, Satan.

If you’re struggling with finding matches on dating apps, getting responses, or are otherwise struggling in your love life, feel free to check out my reviews and then book an appointment with me. You can also always get a gift certificate for a friend ;)

Cheers,
Chloe