A few hours ago I was trying to figure out what to write about in my blog this week. I was in my pjs (to be honest, I still am. Doctor Who tank top with Harry Potter bottoms. I am one classy motherfucker), playing Red Dead Redemption Online with friends. I asked them what they hated most about online dating and the resounding answer was ambiguity. It makes sense, because I’ve also had dozens of clients ask me when they should give up and move on, so let’s talk about it.

Before we start, it’s worth mentioning that this blog is about how to recognize when someone you’re dating isn’t that into you, not someone you’ve matched with. Conventionally attractive women can get up to 1,000 likes per day. Slow responses, lazy responses, and no responses are unfortunately part of the experience. There are certainly ways to decrease how often you’re ghosted, but today is all about gauging interest once you’re off the apps and out on dates.

So here’s three simple steps to do just that!

Step One: Recognize when she’s just not that into you.

If she responds to you incredibly slowly, you’re her backup. She likes someone else better or she only remembers you when she’s bored. It’s possible she’ll change her mind and run directly into your arms, but the likelihood of this decreases by the hour. If she’s still responding super slowly after a couple of weeks, it’s not gonna happen, man.

If she always has an excuse as to why she can’t commit to plans with you, you’re either her backup or she’s not interested in you. Girls can be wishy washy about rejection. They may say things like, “Life just got crazy” or “Oh man, I wish I could but I just promised Karen that I’d help bathe her iguana.” What they really mean is “I’m not interested in you but I’m too much of a pussy to say it out loud, so I’m going to keep being super vague about it and hope you give up and stop asking me out.”

If she stopped responding to you, she’s either super busy and has forgotten about you (which means that her interest in you is adequate at best), or she’s ghosting you. There’s a million reasons why this could happen, but none of them mean she’s into you.

Step Two: Accept that she’s just not that into you.

There wasn’t a freak accident that led to her losing all ability to use the internet, her phone, her tablets, her computer, or access to public wifi. If you can contact her, she could contact you if she wanted to. For whatever reason, she decided not to. No answer is your answer.

If she’s repeatedly disappearing for periods of time, that’s a shitty thing to do. She isn’t too busy to talk to you, she’s decided that you are not a priority in her life, and she’s keeping you around for companionship when she’s bored. You’re more than that, and you deserve better than her.

She isn’t too busy to date you, she just doesn’t want to. If she rejects plans without coordinating with you for a better time/day, she’s just not that into you.

Step Three: Move on.

Don’t confuse rumination with problem solving. If you’re torturing yourself by going over your interactions with her over and over again, you are ruminating. It isn’t helpful, it isn’t healthy, and it will never lead to catharsis.

Problem-solve instead. Look for patterns in your interactions with women who have rejected you. It’s definitely possible that you’re unintentionally saying or doing something that’s turning them off, but be solution-focused about it.

Don’t allow yourself to become some asshole’s puppy dog because you’re too scared to let her go and move on. She’s never going to give you what you’re looking for, but she may keep you around to give her attention when she’s feeling low.

You’re better than that, and to be honest, she sounds like a shitnoodle anyway. I promise you that her pussy’s not made out of gold; let the illusion of her go. You can’t make it happen. It was never going to happen.

She wasn’t into you, for whatever reason, but that doesn’t mean that the next girl won’t be crazy about you. Rejection stings like a bitch, but don’t let it stop you from moving on in pursuit of something better.

If you’d like some help with problem solving, pinpointing where your dates are going wrong, or figuring out if she’s into you, I’m your girl!

Cheers,

Chloe